I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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