My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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