I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
