How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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