I love black thongs
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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