Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
