Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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