How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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