I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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