My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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