Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
