i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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