Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
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that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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