turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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