Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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