Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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