id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
