now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
