They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
