I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't put those talents on a resume
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
