can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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