I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
