i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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