I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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