I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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