bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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