I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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