Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
