i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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