haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
