I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Never let your siblings swipe right.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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