if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
