STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
