dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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