They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
