the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
