Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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