Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
