Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
