I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
