all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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