i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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