I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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