it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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