I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
