it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
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What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
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let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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