i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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