My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
