Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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