mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize