My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
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You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
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sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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