i already hear my dad disowning me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
