just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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