The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
